Quarantine has been a challenge for all of us to varying degrees. To be honest I’ve really enjoyed all the time I’ve had to do the necessary inner work needed to heal from trauma and return to a childlike state of humility, wonder, curiosity and an unassuming way. Sometimes though, I face a great darkness that can feel very pervasive and almost impossible to overcome. Almost. A few weeks ago, I was really struggling. I’m grateful for the friends who have taken the time to be with me. If you didn’t know, sometimes I suffer from auditory hallucinations… sometimes. But now I’m at the point where I can sit in the midst of them, as one sits in a storm, and learn the lesson.
What is the Lesson?
Recently, the lesson I learned during this wave, this resurgence, is: judgement, fear, false perception, the making of illusions through assumptions, are all predicated upon a certain ignorance. To admit to that ignorance and unknowing is one of the only free passages we have out of bondage because it is the truth of our present moment.
What does a person who deals with the demon of schizophrenia (split minded-ness) have to do with you?
Well these auditory hallucinations are magnified messengers of all the deprecating doubts, pride and other deadly sentiments that currently live inside me that go unchecked. And, I’m not the only one who has them. Everyone does. I just experience them differently and to different extremes.
What they say.
According to these hallucinations: I’m a demon. I’m too religious. I am some messianic, unwanted figure doomed to a certain death. I am some anti-messianic beloved figure doomed to bring death to others. I should kill myself.
What I hear.
For every one of these assertions that seemingly come from thin air, there is a place in me that harbors a home for them. Feelings, emotions, thoughts, and assumptions that I don’t think are a big deal but, in fact, they block me from what I want most. Which is True communion and friendship without debris, worry, or assumption (which is just illusion in a less *harsh/judgy* way).
What do these homes look like?
lives in the home of the shame I feel for talking about Jesus. I know so many people have been traumatized by people who mention the name without a bridge to meet Him. And so I allow the lies of other people who have been careless with the hearts of their brothers and sisters overshadow my love, relationship, and TRUTH that I carry in Jesus. People who have been judgmental and exclusive with their beliefs and love in a way that’s much more like the pharisees than Jesus.
lives in the home of judgement that I built in myself for every unkind, lustful or taboo thought that I’ve had. Now, when I judge myself for these things I don’t necessarily think I’m a demon, though I do feel the self flagellation of that judgement, a whip against my brain… so much so that I get headaches.
What’s weird though is I often don’t judge other people for these thoughts when they express them out their mouth, I often have immediate forgiveness for them. Hmm. Though I do find it is hard to forgive others the things I haven’t made peace with myself.
lives in the home of the insecurity I possess about the power of my articulation. It is one of the reasons why I’m blatantly honest and will tell you everything I’m thinking so there will be no shadow of deception in me as a way to prove to myself that these accusations are false and that I am not a liar. I also tell the truth not as a thing of proof… but because it literally is the only thing that stands against confusion and lies. Just being honest…. it saves us from the worst kind of suffering that we subject ourselves to by being intent upon hiding within and carrying extra weight that is unnecessary. (Much like what I’m doing right now, being honest with this post so I don’t have to carry this weight any more… cuz its tiiiirrrriiiinnnggg.)
Ah! “Dooming others to their death” lives in the shed in “Anti-Messianic”s backyard. It’s built with the wooden slats of addiction. Like cigarettes… or other non substance based things. By permitting these things in my life, I allow myself to enter into the belief that I can’t control them. And if I can’t control them, how am I supposed to emulate the self control necessary to overcome the more subtle chains of addiction that plague us all.
lives in the home of unworthiness. All the moments of idolization I may have where I see someone as superior or even inferior to me built that one. Insecurity and pride are just inverses of each other. I’m either the worst or the best. And in this dichotomy, the only answer is I must die so others may be well. Which goes into the messianic/martyrdom thing because I either suck so much I should die and relieve this person from my deadweight. Or I’m too great and I should die so this person does not have to be burdened by my too bright light.
All of this
is me sitting with the devil. All of this is me staring fear in the face and seeing where it lives in me. All of this is sin. And when I say sin… I don’t mean being condemned to a certain eternal death because of something I didn’t ask for. I mean missing the point (substance, essence) of life because I was born into a society that doesn’t actually teach it.
More about us.
Where some may see a curse, I see a blessing. Through the grace of God, I’m able to see these things and recognize how my situation is not different from anyone else’s. For everyone is plagued with these doubts and insecurities… on some level. I experience it differently only in the sense that I see immediately the harm they do to none other than myself.
Which is the ultimate truth of these things. They don’t exist. Its not real.
Because if you travel to the root of each of these doubts, each insecurity, you would find that they are born from the fact that you don’t know who you are. So you make something up. You judge yourself based on a series of phenomena and none of it has any meaning because its not rooted in the Truth of your identity. For this reason, we don’t really know anyone because most of our sight is born from this unseen ignorance. So, we continue placing stories on one another. Everyone knows this on some level because soooo many people, if not everyone, feel misunderstood. And indeed we are. Because we do not see each other AS we are.
The Good News.
The rapper Nissim Black has a lyric that resonates with me:
This is what I echo now. All of these teaching are in the bible, the book of life that talks about what happens here on Earth–mainly in the seen realms. But that book has been shrouded in mystery for so long and left up to interpretation. I’m tired of the damage that the lack of clarity is causing.
So yeah, for a moment I was dealing with split-mindedness. Most of us have been. Mine had just manifested into a thing I couldn’t ignore and through the Holy Spirit, this thing has become a key to help others be free from their more subtle, seemingly un-healable, “natural” way of thinking in fear.
That’s where Jesus helps. That’s where the spirit helps. That’s where love helps. He washes me clean every day. So I can come to you like this. Not unhealthy, but in full health… Which is simply, like Winnie the Pooh, the ability to see and say what is happening. Also called awareness.
Which brings about confession. Which brings about repentance. Which brings about forgiveness. Which is that thing… that as we pass on… brings about the glory of the kingdom of heaven. The haven that it is. The peace. The joy. The love.
Alright, that’s been long enough. Much Love, thanks for reading. Imma go welcome the holy breath of this weight off my chest now.
Oh! And the reality is… we are all Jesus. The bible says it. Nothing that was made was made without the Word. We all help save one another in little moments of love. Those moments when we shoulder each other’s burdens to lighten the load. When we are there for one another in the name of love and salvation. Okay… I’m done.